Movies as a form of entertainment are often designed to evoke emotion; make you think, laugh, have a good cry or even induce an anxiety attack. Some do this so well, you watch and you just can’t wait to tell everyone about it. However, there are those you struggle through and finally make sense of it at the end. And then, there is 50 Shades Freed.

Released last month, the third and thankfully the final instalment of the 50 Shades Trilogy, focused on Anastasia Steele and her tumultuous relationship with handsome billionaire Christian Grey. This movie officially introduce BDSM to mainstream media in 2015 and has tormented us annually ever since.

If you don’t already know what BDSM means, it’s Bondage, Dominance, Submission and Masochism? I believe? I’m not vastly educated on this but I’d summarise it as erotic role-playing around power and pain, where sexual partners…oh for God sake, use Wikipedia. It’s pretty kinky stuff, latex, leather, whips etc. If you haven’t seen the trailer, it’s below.

My post on the top 10 movies I couldn’t wait to see this year, is the only reason I sat through this excruciating movie.

Suffocating Opulence 
From the day Anna the clumsy virgin fell into Christian Grey’s office, producers spared no expense in expressing how rich and fabulous his life, their life was. They didn’t hold back in this sequel. In the first 20 minutes, I saw more luxury than I’ll probably ever see in my entire life. From couture bridal wear to private jet, what looked like more than 5 different honeymoon destinations, the opera, exclusive beach, yacht, oh and let’s not forget the Audi sports car.

Perhaps, my financial status is the reason I found it all overwhelming and completely unrelatable.

Obviously Fake Driving
This has to be the worst high-speed chase I have ever watched in my life. I think it was a desperate attempt to infuse some action into the dragging plot but it didn’t quite make it. There was no glimpse of the speedometer, or an out-of-the-car view showing Anna actually speeding by, or did I miss it? For such a popular movie, this scene lacked any credibility and could have done with better cinematography.

In addition, Anna’s countenance just didn’t ring true. If you’ve watched the Fast and Furious as religiously as I have or the Transporter, you’ll probably agree that there is a driving-fast face. For me, it was too obvious she wasn’t really driving and it was really just a sponsored Audi R8 commercial. Perhaps it all felt far-fetched because we have hardly ever even seen Anna drive. She’s always chauffeur-driven or being flown.

Dead Dialogue
This had better be the last of this sequel because I can’t put up with anymore dull conversations and tacky sexual innuendos. Additionally, I was exhausted with listening to Anna’s wispy/husky/f**k-me voice, although she did manage to sound lively a few times.

Related: Proud Mary

Soft Porn? Erotica? Definitely
Did I mention that every other scene is a sex scene?
Honeymoon sex.
Back-from-work sex.
Bathtub sex
Haircut sex
Angry vengeful sex
Ice-cream sex

**I’ll just let you read my thoughts as I toiled through this movie***

Oh. wait. Now it’s car sex? Really? 28 minutes and I’m still wondering why they are selling the most uncomfortable sex ever? Or am I just too fat for it? I digress. How can anyone be this horny from a first-time speed chase to evade a dangerous stalker? Even Letty and Dom didn’t get up to this right in the straps. Who allowed this?

Look, I drive, okay? Certainly not a fancy car, but you don’t nearly get crushed by a long trailer and reach for your man’s D. You want to thank the Most High for sparing both your lives, and then head straight for the toilet because your vowel and bladder are a mess from the thought of your remains being scraped off the blacktop. Plus, if your man had any sense, he’d never let you drive again. But this fool actually told her to speed up.

36 minutes in: I used to look forward to shirtless men on screen, I even prayed for goals only because the scoring player would run off, peeling of his shirt in euphoria. My point, strong torsos are such a pleasure to the eye. But if I see Christian Grey without his shirt one more time?! I will hurt myself.

Oh? He is shackling her up with those iron chains. I swear our ancestors; slaves and slave masters alike, are cringing watching this. Hold on. These camera guys can zoom in to get a better view of Anna’s areola for intricate details but couldn’t get a speed-chase right? Wandafu!

39 minutes in: This is excruciatingly hilarious. I’m sorry but if you enjoy this movie on any level please don’t tell me about it. Don’t leave a comment because I JUDGE YOU. You need Jesus or at the very least a shrink.
43 minutes in: Bathtub scene with the most beautiful view of mountains. I think I would soak in that tub for the rest of my life. Some more sex? Thankfully not. Whew.
43 minutes in: Ice-cream in pubic hair? I’m dead…aaaaaaaannnnnndddd some more sex.
I’m sorry. I can’t go on.

After an hour and ten excruciating minutes, some semblance of a plot began to emerge as Christian Grey’s sister is kidnapped by the stalker. Odd choice calling Anna for the ransom, since his score was with Christian, but whatever.

Nice Soundtracks
A few of the songs used were nice and I only know this because I listened to them separately. For You by Rita Ora and Liam Payne is on my playlist, same with Sia’s Deer in Headlights and of course Ellie Goulding’s Love Me Like You Do which has remain a favourite since the first instalment of the movie series. The Wolf by The Spencer Lee Band is sexy and fun and so is Whethan, Dua Lipa’s High.

***

I swear I started this movie with an open mind and some excitement, the trailer seemed promising but Lord was I wrong. Movie Reviews are my thing now but I have had to deliberate hard on whether or not to publish this. Not posting feels a bit prude and selling lewd content or upsetting my readers is not my intention. Also, I might be risking porn ads flooding my site.

Watching this movie is like paying for an upscale prostitute, well-dress and STD-free but still a prostitute. It had me wondering if they offered free lubs, dildos and rabbits during its premiere just to enhance the viewing experience.

I don’t have to say that this is certainly not for children and to be honest, I’m having a hard time recommending this to anyone. Perhaps for couples trying to spice things up a la sac?

Let this be a testament of my love for you all. I suffered this so we can all be 50 shades freed.

Have you seen 50 Shades Freed? Let me know what you think in the comments!
As always, thank you for reading!
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