Sequel to my last post, here are a few of the funniest things I learnt. It’s a lot but I promise it’s all worth your time, especially for the ladies. Enjoy!
Ignore vain comparisons particularly on things you cannot change
So be who you really are, accept who you are. Unless you are a serial killer.
2. How to become a fierce
serial killer Sorry, Catwalk Model”
One: The Look
Always look like you’re angry at the universe for making you too pretty.
Two: The Walk
Trot. Aggressively, like you’re a horse that’s trying to avoid puddles.
Three: The Squint
Squint like someone is bouncing sunlight off their watch and directly into your eyes.
Four: The Pout
Get those lips out there. Purse your lips like you’re trying to sip out of a straw that someone keeps moving away from you.
Five: The Pose
Be mysterious. Always pose with one hand in your pocket as if to say, “I’m so mysterious, this hand in my pocket could be a hook hand. You don’t know.”
Six: The Breeze
Carry a giant oscillating fan with you at all times. No exceptions. Now put it all together. Trot! Squint! Get the straw! Who’s a pretty girl? You are. Keep trotting!
3. Common Courtesy
It’s good etiquette to bring something whenever you go to someone’s house. It’s polite and generous and it shows that you appreciate being welcomed into somebody’s home….
There are some people who refuse to bring anything when they go to someone’s house. Even if you bring something every time you go to their house, they bring nothing to yours. Here’s my solution for people like that. When you go to their house you take something. You bring a bottle of wine, you take their microwave. You bring a Bundt cake. You take their car. It’s yin and yang.
4. Use a List of Pros and Cons for better Decision-Making
• Aids you in making well-informed decisions.
• Helps you to feel organized and in control of your life.
• Allows you to put off making an actual decision.
• You might decide to make your list while you’re flying on an airplane next to a very attractive person. You’ll take out a piece of paper and realize you need a pen. You’ll ask him or her if he or she has a writing utensil, sparking a conversation about how you’ve both been to Paris in springtime. You’ll fall in love, get married, and live happily ever after in a mansion made out of clouds.
• Forces you to make well-informed decisions so you can’t say stuff like, “I don’t know why I bought this ten-thousand-dollar antique spoon! I wasn’t thinking.”
• Takes away time that could be spent napping or playing video games.
• Takes away time from making your actual decision.
• Can be hard to figure out margins.
• You might decide to make your list while you’re flying on an airplane next to a very attractive person. You’ll take out a piece of paper and rummage through your bag for a pen. Once you find it, you’ll exclaim, “Found it!” and reach your arm up, immediately knocking it into the tray table of the attractive person next to you. Their water will go flying through the air, soaking them and you and the flight attendant, who happens to be walking by at the time. Everyone around you will be upset, you’ll have to sit there without moving an inch for the rest of the six-hour flight, and you won’t marry the stranger on the plane, something you’ve dreamed of doing since you were six.
5. Parting Words
“Be happy. Do things that make you happy within the confines of the legal system.
Contribute to the world. Help people. Help one person. Help someone cross the street today. Help someone with directions unless you have a terrible sense of direction.
Make an impact
Make eye contact
Laugh. Laugh as much as you can. Laugh until you cry.
Find out who you are and figure out what you believe in. Even if it’s different from what your neighbors believe in and different from what your parents believe in. Stay true to yourself. Have your own opinion.
You’ve got to love Ellen really.
I recommend this book!
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